It’s impossible to identify a particular day that things all started to go wrong but what I can say it was a long time ago, probably 25 years at least.
Now like most people suffering with depression there are triggers that start these feelings and I have a couple of quite stereotypical ones that fit.
I was always a sporty kid and quite smart too. In fact, I was one of only four from my middle school to pass the exams to make it into a very good private school. I played football and cricket at a decent level and was doing something pretty much every day of the week.
But, I like my food. And by food I mean everything. Good food, junk food and sweet things. I like sweet things a lot and that’s the first problem. From quite an early age, around 10-11 I became the fat kid and we all know what happens to the fat kid. You become an easy target and kids are mean.
If you believe everything you read, big is beautiful and I admire those people who manage to be big and happy but one thing I can tell you is deep down most of them are not. I certainly wasn’t. In fact I was miserable, lonely (even though I did have some friends) and bullied mercilessly.
At first the bullying was just name calling, nasty but nothing too serious. But then when I was around 13 it got much worse, there was one guy in my year who was a real bully and a total psycho and on a number of occasions I became his punching bag, which made things a whole lot worse.
This is when the really bad negative body image started to really affect me. I started stress eating even more and started getting bigger and bigger. Now I am not a tall man (something else that made me an easy target) so any extra weight really shows up. Luckily my parents, especially my mum, are amazing and always did their best to keep me happy and I was just about managing to keep it together.
GCSE’s came and went and to my surprise I actually did ok getting 10 A-B grades. But, being 16 I was now fully interested in drinking, smoking and going out with my mates and not much else and for the next two years I basically did bugger all. And with all the going out and what comes with it I continued to get bigger and bigger.
A level results day and the next trigger, definitely caused by myself.
As I’ve mentioned I basically did no work for two years and my results showed that, I got some of the worst grades in my year group and was told by more than one person that I respected and loved that I had let them down. It’s hard to hear but they were right. I had let everyone down, including myself.
I was just about at the lowest point I’d ever been.
Luckily (or so I thought) I just about made it into a uni based on the fact that I was a decent sportsman.
As it turns out, Uni is not a good place for someone like me. Don’t get me wrong I had a great time in parts but 4 years of easy access to booze and drugs and being left to your own devices is perhaps not the best environment for someone with depression.
I spent long periods of time procrastinating over the work I was meant to be doing without actually doing it. Instead I would be watching TV, playing computer games, smoking, drinking, basically doing anything that stopped me from working and kept my mind off the person I had become.
A person I didn’t like at all….
Uni came and went and I just managed to scrape through with a degree. Then the day came when my graduation picture came and to say I was ashamed was a HUGE understatement.
So for once I did something about it. For the next 18 months I set about losing over 5 stone in weight and becoming a much happier, healthier person.
Or so I thought….
What actually happened is that I gave birth to the person that I have become today. The person that deep down I’ve probably always been. The person that I despise.
That person is a selfish, cold, egotistical man that pretends to be someone he’s not. In other words not a good person. Something that if you’ve read my first post, I am sure you will agree with.
So that’s it. That’s where it started. I’m sorry if this is a little honest for some people or if the self pity is too much and I understand if at this point it’s not for you but I have to get this all down, for me if no-one else.
More coming soon