This is something that I find one of the hardest things to explain to people who don’t suffer from depression and something they find hardest to understand.
It’s not always bad when you have depression. The clouds do clear, I do manage to smile and think positively and I even manage to have fun, sometimes.
This weekend was one of those weekends. It was my first full weekend at home in almost a month after a crazy period at work. I got to spend some real quality time with my two crazy but lovely boys and I got some really nice quality time with my wife.
I played a lot, I smiled a lot, hell, I even laughed quite a bit. Now it wasn’t perfect, there was still the undercurrent of the grumpy me, short tempered, tired etc BUT…
It was a good weekend.
But that’s the problem.
Even the people closest to you don’t understand why you are not always like that. They think it’s their fault you can’t always be happy saying things like,
“See, we are not that bad really”
“I think you need to be more like this all the time, it’s much more fun smiling, right?”
And the honest answer is, Yes I agree but it’s not that simple, I wish it was.
Depression doesn’t allow it to be that simple. It doesn’t always let you be happy all the time. It saps your energy, it makes you feel insecure about even playing with your 2 year old by making you feel that they don’t want to play with you or you will just get it wrong.
I wish I could just cheer up when I am down or feeling lost but it just doesn’t work like that. I try, I really do. I would love to be happy and smiley and full of life but sometimes it’s all I can do to get out of bed.
But enough of that. IT WAS A GOOD WEEKEND and for that I am truly grateful.
When you get a break from this horrible illness it truly is wonderful.
So if you are reading this just remember…
IT’S NOT ALWAYS BAD
And when it is bad, remember, not everyone understands, they love you and just want to see you well.
Enough. Have a good Monday!